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August 21, 2013

Change (Part Two)

So....in one of my earlier posts I mentioned that change doesn't really bother me as much as it bothers other teenagers. I have just discovered that this is a massive lie.

I have been struggling with swimming for a long time now, not wanting to go to practice and such and not getting along with my 'team' mates. Well now I don't have to. I have decided to "take a break" from swimming for this year. ("Take a break" in quotes because that's the Mom term. Basically I'm quitting, giving up, not "sticking with it". Yeah. Depressing right?) I want to see what clubs and other activities I can do to make me happier than fighting with my Mom and everyone about swimming. I'm just over it.

I've been hoping that this would be an easy transition, but boy was I SO VERY WRONG about that. I haven't even told my coach yet, told the rest of my family yet, and already I'm having heart palpitations. (Minor exaggeration but what do you expect? I'm a teenage girl for crying out loud!) I felt a big cry coming on so I jumped in the shower so I could sob in peace without having Mom poke her head in to have one of our talks about life. Don't get me wrong, I love that my Mom cares so much and loves me so much and I basically tell her about everything that is going on in my life. Seriously, she's one of the closest people in the world to me. But sometimes...I just need alone time to think. And the shower is good for that. (Plus I needed to shower anyway, I have been walking around outside with THC all day and I'm sweaty and gross! Blech!)

So I got in the shower and the tears started falling. I kept saying, "If you're this upset about quitting, why quit? Just 'stick with it'!" But I don't think the tears were about that. Because my gut (the famous gut that has gotten me out of several potentially-embarrassing texting/flirting situations) is telling me that I'm making the right decision for me right now. And I have to think about my team. It wouldn't be fair to them to have them depend on me and then have me let them down. I will be taking this year to focus on my studies and on other ways to keep me active. I don't know yet how it will turn out, obviously, but I look forward to the challenge! I think (and hope) that the tears were just me saying goodbye to a big part of my life and not because subconsciously I know that I'm making a mistake and that I'm going to gain forty pounds and feel awful by the time next summer rolls around. (Heart palpitations are back)

Okay....breathing more normally now. All I'm saying is that for right now "because I've always done it" is not going to be the reason I keep swimming and putting up with it and hating it. Right now, I need to try to fine what makes me happy because it's stupid to do something if it's making you miserable....right? (How do you shut off the "What Ifs" part of your brain??? Seriously! I do not need it right now!)

I'll keep you updated about my mundane life and hope you guys will still take five minutes out of your day to read it! (Thanks a million to those who do by the way, it really lifts my spirits, it really really does!)

XOXO

P.S. I just hope I'm not making a big mistake.

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