August 29, 2013

Waiting for A

A as in . . . amore. The lovely Italian word for love. Or...what about aimer, the just-as-lovely French word for love. Take your pick, but you get my point: "Waiting for Love".

Tiny secret of mine....I have only one jealous bone in my body and that is when my friends, or people around me, are in relationships. Even if I don't like the person that they are with, I get insanely jealous of them and that person. It's not something I'm proud of because I realize myself that I'm ridiculous.

(So, I'm going to take this in a new direction momentarily but it all ties together, I promise.)

My mother and my grandparents and I are all going to Paris during April for my Sweet Sixteen birthday celebration. I am so. excited. Like this is so incredible. And then to top it all off....Ammie might get to go with me!!! My best friend and I in the City of Lights....I can see it now......ahh so amazing. So of course A and I freaked out about this for a good two hours late last night and then I retired to sleep and dream of Paris.

The next morning I woke up in a WONDERFUL mood (which isn't really that unusual for me, I tend to be a morning person I'm realizing, but it was quite an odd feeling for a school day) and I couldn't put my finger on exactly what had me feeling so great. And then suddenly it hit me.

I'm okay with being alone. It sounds really corny, and stupid, I know but it all happened overnight and I'm still kind of on the high of that feeling tonight. But I've figured out that I'm okay being single and by myself right now because there isn't really anybody that I'm interested in that way. And even if I was dating a guy here nothing much would change about my life either. And what I really am dreaming of is life-changing. So I'm okay right now waiting for the guy that will bring amour and aimer with a capital A.

I figure that you have to be comfortable with yourself, by yourself, before you can even picture yourself with another person. Because if you aren't comfortable being alone, then jumping into a relationship (which isn't likely to happen, coming from personal experience here, because you do look just the tiniest bit desperate, again experience talking here) is just going to break your heart, confuse you, and it won't benefit you or the other person. "Don't ruin love by wanting it so badly" is rather a favorite quote of mine at the moment and it finally rang true this morning.

Reading over this, it sounds ridiculously dumb but it's the truth. It all just hit me, and for some reason Paris brought the revelation around, and I'm still getting used to it, but I do know that I'm not lying to myself. My one jealous bone has just been broken and, hopefully, it will never ever be fixed.

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