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November 30, 2013

Plan NBP for Nonexistent Backup Plan

As anyone who knows me will tell you, I like to plan everything in advance. Like…way in advance. *cough* I may have planned out my entire wedding about six times *cough* But I have gotten better as I've "grown up", I'm letting things happen as they happen and not planning out things. I no longer have a selection of five wedding dresses for the five different weddings planned at different points during the year, depending on when the proposal is. (Don't judge me I was like 12 when I planned this all out, also the phase where I wanted to be mummified when I died)
However, the thought that has paralyzed me for years is that I do not have a Plan B. All the extensive planning and worrying about this issue has not resolved it still, which freaks the hell out of me on a daily basis. Suppose this writing/directing thing doesn't work out, what in hell am I supposed to do with my life? I have put all my eggs in this one basket, and if it fails I literally have no idea what I'm going to spend my life doing. So let's explore the options I've thought of so far…
There's always the 'housewife, stay-at-home Mom' option, but that requires a living, breathing male with an occupation that actually wants to spend his life with me to exist so that kind of rules that out. Option B is to enter the Special Service or whatever the hell it is that Mom has pushed for for about the past 13 years…(ever since I gave up on my dream of being a trash man) someone that travels around the world and helps developing countries with issues I do believe is what she's referring to. I think she's finally realized that it's not my dream to do that, it's hers. She's very supportive of my writing though, which is a big relief and a weight off my shoulders. I don't think I'd even pursue this without her immense support and I will always love her if only for that (besides the other billion reasons). Then there's C, being a reporter for a magazine or news agency or something…but that's never really interested me very much. In truth, nothing interests me as much as writing/directing which is my passion in life. (I've also considered being a therapist because I do like to give advice and help people, but that's very…eh…I've also been told that I'd make a good social worker and a nurse but, again, not really what I can picture myself doing for the rest of my life...)
I guess what I'm trying to find out here is…is it okay to not have a backup plan? I know some people say "Well that just pushes you to make sure your dream comes true", which is correct. But I am not so naive to believe that some people don't try their hardest and give their dream their all…and it still doesn't work out for them. I've seen it happen and it's crushing, heart breaking, humiliating, all at once. I couldn't handle that, I know that right at this very moment. I just need reassurance, I guess, that it's okay to really believe in this one thing and to only go for that without a safety net. There are both good sides and bad sides of having a Plan B…but right now I don't have one and it's really frightening me into working and striving harder for this "dream" to become a reality because if not, I fall. 

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