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August 31, 2013

Was bored and scrolling through my blog to see if anything needed fixing, and I clicked on my very first post. Wow. What a difference in content this blog has seen since then!

Basically when I started this, quite honestly, I was expecting to either A) Give up on this halfway through or B) Actually lose the weight I wanted to and become the person I wanted to be. But, as those of you who read my summer blog (My Perfect Summer) can tell, a lot happened over the summer and even on this blog, the content has changed from me wanting to basically overhaul my entire person to sharing the experiences I'm going through. What does this tell us?

Well....I'm still trying to inspire my little social butterfly, which you can probably tell by my recent post entitled "Leader of the Pack", but I've stopped talking about wanting to lose weight and change my personality. So, you might think I've accomplished my goal. HA!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Okay, I'm back from my momentary laugh attack. Looking in the mirror now, as opposed to say....five months ago when I started this blog, I suppose I don't look that much different. But I feel different. As you (may) know, a lot of stuff happened over the summer, good and bad, and it changed the person that I am.

I got closer to my (younger) brother (and his friends, as you know *sigh heaping with backstory that some of you may know from reading the other blog*) which in turn actually made me think about things differently and influenced my taste in music a bit. I found a boy (or two *ashamed blushing*) that also influence my thinking and (one of them anyway) makes my stomach drop when we talk. I got so much closer, which I honestly didn't think was possible, to my best friend and "was dumped" by another really, really close friend that I miss terribly (although I'm really pissed at her as well) that nearly brought me to an emotional breakdown from all the highs and lows. 

You get the point, shit went down. So what does this all have to do with my original goals of losing weight and changing my personality? Well, I've realized that maybe I don't need to do all of that. I have people I really love all around me and I don't know why I was focusing so much on people that may be saying this or may be saying that. I'm just done with that. 

I mean, I still want to tone up, particularly my back and my legs and my abs and....wow basically everything, but I no longer think I need to lose weight. I'm sure that will happen naturally as long as I keep eating the healthy cooking that Mom makes for us (which means no more runs to 7-11 for a Butterfinger bar) and going to the gym. I try to make working out fun now so I don't get bored of it (because as you know I'm not swimming this year at least and I need to be active, inactivity is not an option for me), and there are several ways to do that that I've already discovered. Such as tennis with Angie, running around the track after school (again with Angie), Body Combat classes (kick boxing and martial arts, I feel so kick-ass afterwards), actually trying in gym class etc. 

So, in short, I haven't lost my goals. I just changed them. It's necessary to change your goals as you grow older, some goals become unfeasible and others just morph into something that you realize later was completely ridiculous. No one should change their personalities just so they can make themselves more likable to other people, who don't even like them in the first place. No no. Change for yourself, not for them. The right people will find you, and if they truly are the "right" people, they won't ask you to change or expect you to. (Total cliche, I know, but hey, if it ain't broke don't fix it so....)

XOXO

P.S. (check me out on tumblr by clicking here thanks a bunch guys!)
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August 29, 2013

A as in . . . amore. The lovely Italian word for love. Or...what about aimer, the just-as-lovely French word for love. Take your pick, but you get my point: "Waiting for Love".

Tiny secret of mine....I have only one jealous bone in my body and that is when my friends, or people around me, are in relationships. Even if I don't like the person that they are with, I get insanely jealous of them and that person. It's not something I'm proud of because I realize myself that I'm ridiculous.

(So, I'm going to take this in a new direction momentarily but it all ties together, I promise.)

My mother and my grandparents and I are all going to Paris during April for my Sweet Sixteen birthday celebration. I am so. excited. Like this is so incredible. And then to top it all off....Ammie might get to go with me!!! My best friend and I in the City of Lights....I can see it now......ahh so amazing. So of course A and I freaked out about this for a good two hours late last night and then I retired to sleep and dream of Paris.

The next morning I woke up in a WONDERFUL mood (which isn't really that unusual for me, I tend to be a morning person I'm realizing, but it was quite an odd feeling for a school day) and I couldn't put my finger on exactly what had me feeling so great. And then suddenly it hit me.

I'm okay with being alone. It sounds really corny, and stupid, I know but it all happened overnight and I'm still kind of on the high of that feeling tonight. But I've figured out that I'm okay being single and by myself right now because there isn't really anybody that I'm interested in that way. And even if I was dating a guy here nothing much would change about my life either. And what I really am dreaming of is life-changing. So I'm okay right now waiting for the guy that will bring amour and aimer with a capital A.

I figure that you have to be comfortable with yourself, by yourself, before you can even picture yourself with another person. Because if you aren't comfortable being alone, then jumping into a relationship (which isn't likely to happen, coming from personal experience here, because you do look just the tiniest bit desperate, again experience talking here) is just going to break your heart, confuse you, and it won't benefit you or the other person. "Don't ruin love by wanting it so badly" is rather a favorite quote of mine at the moment and it finally rang true this morning.

Reading over this, it sounds ridiculously dumb but it's the truth. It all just hit me, and for some reason Paris brought the revelation around, and I'm still getting used to it, but I do know that I'm not lying to myself. My one jealous bone has just been broken and, hopefully, it will never ever be fixed.
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August 21, 2013

So....in one of my earlier posts I mentioned that change doesn't really bother me as much as it bothers other teenagers. I have just discovered that this is a massive lie.

I have been struggling with swimming for a long time now, not wanting to go to practice and such and not getting along with my 'team' mates. Well now I don't have to. I have decided to "take a break" from swimming for this year. ("Take a break" in quotes because that's the Mom term. Basically I'm quitting, giving up, not "sticking with it". Yeah. Depressing right?) I want to see what clubs and other activities I can do to make me happier than fighting with my Mom and everyone about swimming. I'm just over it.

I've been hoping that this would be an easy transition, but boy was I SO VERY WRONG about that. I haven't even told my coach yet, told the rest of my family yet, and already I'm having heart palpitations. (Minor exaggeration but what do you expect? I'm a teenage girl for crying out loud!) I felt a big cry coming on so I jumped in the shower so I could sob in peace without having Mom poke her head in to have one of our talks about life. Don't get me wrong, I love that my Mom cares so much and loves me so much and I basically tell her about everything that is going on in my life. Seriously, she's one of the closest people in the world to me. But sometimes...I just need alone time to think. And the shower is good for that. (Plus I needed to shower anyway, I have been walking around outside with THC all day and I'm sweaty and gross! Blech!)

So I got in the shower and the tears started falling. I kept saying, "If you're this upset about quitting, why quit? Just 'stick with it'!" But I don't think the tears were about that. Because my gut (the famous gut that has gotten me out of several potentially-embarrassing texting/flirting situations) is telling me that I'm making the right decision for me right now. And I have to think about my team. It wouldn't be fair to them to have them depend on me and then have me let them down. I will be taking this year to focus on my studies and on other ways to keep me active. I don't know yet how it will turn out, obviously, but I look forward to the challenge! I think (and hope) that the tears were just me saying goodbye to a big part of my life and not because subconsciously I know that I'm making a mistake and that I'm going to gain forty pounds and feel awful by the time next summer rolls around. (Heart palpitations are back)

Okay....breathing more normally now. All I'm saying is that for right now "because I've always done it" is not going to be the reason I keep swimming and putting up with it and hating it. Right now, I need to try to fine what makes me happy because it's stupid to do something if it's making you miserable....right? (How do you shut off the "What Ifs" part of your brain??? Seriously! I do not need it right now!)

I'll keep you updated about my mundane life and hope you guys will still take five minutes out of your day to read it! (Thanks a million to those who do by the way, it really lifts my spirits, it really really does!)

XOXO

P.S. I just hope I'm not making a big mistake.
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August 16, 2013

Today in my Human Geography course we were talking about Birth Rate, Fertility Rate, and Death Rate of different countries....pretty standard boring stuff right? Not if you put a face to it.

And that's exactly what my Geography professor did, put a face to those statistics. Several faces actually.... He showed us this video which must have been from about 1989 that was a CNN special where they sent their best correspondents to the most poverty-stricken places on Earth to film a heart-wrenching video. The video started off by showing us a woman dying, and then dead, after she had a "backdoor abortion" in Ethiopia which is basically a metal pole stuck through her pregnant womb because she does not want more children and is not educated about family planning and cannot afford birth control. I only felt like sobbing about three dozen times.

After that we moved on to the cheerful subject of women oppression and lack of education in India where abortions are the norm now if the baby is a girl. At this point I am so very uncomfortable and want to leave the classroom and go scream into a pillow somewhere. The girl next to me, "Carla", is a friend of mine and we were both equally disturbed by what was going on on-screen.

But we were both disturbed even more by what was happening in our classroom, off-screen. One of the close-up interviews they had with someone who had been cheated by his government into having a sterilization procedure called them 'Sons of Bitches' and every single boy in my class laughed at it. So much so that we had to pause the video and wait for them to stop. And when the video started up again, they weren't focusing on it at all (not that they were in the first place, really), they were focusing on the "bad words" that the guy said. I don't know why this set Carla and I off so much, but it really did. And I admire her because she had the guts to stand up and tell them off.

"If all you take away from this video is that he said a 'bad word' then you disgust me." was her exact quote, I believe, before stalking out of the classroom. I was too upset to say anything for about an hour, which, if you ask anyone, is QUITE unlike me. I thought it was because of the adolescent jerks in my class until JonJon (my best guy friend if you're new here) pointed out that it wasn't worth getting upset about a few idiot guys that laughed about something in an uncomfortable setting. Then I realized I was upset because the guys laughing, could very well be the next generation of the men we were seeing on screen laughing at the thought of having a girl, or beating his wife when she gave birth to a baby daughter, or even murdering that baby because it is lacking a penis. And if they weren't, they weren't going to do ANYTHING about the women that are being oppressed in this society. It's still a very real problem.

So I have decided to take action. I can't put all the measures of my plan into action right now, for several different reasons that are too tedious to write down here. I wrote this on the bus and would like to challenge every. single. female. to think about this the next time she's laughing at school with her friends or kissing her boyfriend that she chose:

I am one of the lucky ones. Over half the women in this world aren't given a fighting chance from the very beginning just because of their sex. I have been given an education, I was raised to have an opinion and a voice and not to be bullied by my parents or my child-husband. And I don't intend to waste it. My voice should be used and heard where other women's voices cannot be. My voice should be used to represent all the women who cannot speak for themselves. All women who are lucky like me should use their voices until maybe one day every woman's voice can be heard.

Yell Louder!
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August 5, 2013

I don't understand why everyone hates change so much. Honestly. I guess it's always just been a part of my life....I've become accustomed to it so it doesn't bother me so much. I mean, sure, some changes bother me and I talk about them a lot to see if possibly we could get it to change a different way. But I don't understand the people that so vehemently oppose change that they stay the same their entire lives. That seems....frankly? Quite boring.

Well...I guess there was a time where I was greatly opposed to a change in my life. When we moved from my childhood home to a new home in a new state where the only people I knew were my grandparents. I was not too happy about that and when I would swing on the swing set on the playground (hint as to how old I was anyone?) I would actually say to myself "I'm a Virginia girl. I'll never fit in here." (Finally, I just told you one state I lived in over the course of my travels. What are you going to do? Track me down? Seriously, please don't.) But....I actually grew to love the new place we moved to more than anything and was even more opposed to moving away from it. But that's a story for another post.

I guess what the point of this post is....don't be so opposed to things changing. The old saying "the only thing constant in life is change" applies a lot to my life. There are constant changes going on around you, if you start to notice and appreciate them all you might learn to deal with the bigger changes a little better. The people and the experiences that have come into my life have affected it so much and none of it would happen if things hadn't changed. After all, who wants to stay the same for their entire lives?

(If you're wondering what brought on this tiny post that probably barely makes sense about change, I radically changed my hair today (bangs, yay!) and while sitting in the chair staring at my new face I realized that it was a big change and I wasn't as scared as some other girls are when they do something like that. So...yeah. If this doesn't make any sense it's because I am so tired and jet lagged and it's awful. I promise to start making more sense soon and telling you more things about my crazy life.)

XOXO
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