February 11, 2015


Warning: personal post

In the words of the timeless Carrie Bradshaw, time is a funny thing and a decade can flash by in an uneventful second. I am now closer to age 20 than I am to age 10 and that simple fact blows my mind. Never mind that this time 365 days ago I was 15 years old and now I'm seconds away from being 17. The passage of time is the subject of many a prose, poem, blog entry, letter, and song. It goes by so fast and yet some days I literally feel every second drip off the clock.

As I move into my latter half of my Junior year, I get emails from colleges almost daily, school has become focused on writing the 100+ essays the IB requires, the common app requires, and those our teachers require. Things are just coming at me so quickly and then passing me by even faster I almost feel sometimes like I'm sort of watching life instead of living it. It's quite melancholy, this feeling that time is slipping away from you and you can't catch up. I suppose everyone goes through periods of this and this feeling, for me, has been triggered by the thought that I am a year away from graduation, from "the rest of my life" being here, from being an "adult". Everyday I get closer to this part of my life being over, my life here in Manila, my life at home with Mom, the life I'll have known for 18 years. 

Change is a part of life and we all have to accept that on our own terms. I still dream about living in an apartment in NYC one day in the (near) future, having a job and an eclectic mix of friends and a life full of laughter. I dream about wandering through the city and getting lost, finding small bakeries and cafes that become my regular haunts, generally living a life that I'm proud of, that I'm in control of, and that I have fun in. But I also feel like I don't want to think about it because I'm not ready for this time in my life to be over. I've had 18 years of this stage of my life and it still doesn't feel long enough.

Of course, I don't plan on becoming an adult-child living at home in their youth forever. Everyone has to grow up eventually but growing up shouldn't mean becoming boring. It means taking responsibility, but also finding the fun in things. This is something I think a lot of adults forget: to find the fun in their daily lives. Their negative energy trickles down into us, the disillusioned youth. Being an adult means all the things you were doing in high school/college illegally you can now do legally--that doesn't mean they aren't fun anymore.

There's no age limit on fun and those that impose one on themselves shouldn't impose it on others.
This time in everyone's life is messy and tear-stained, for various reasons. The important thing to recognize is that we're all going through this sludgy feeling together. It's also crucial to remember to take an active part in your life because you do not want to be the senior on graduation day feeling like they can't remember how they got sitting in their chair wearing their cap and gown. 

Play your part in your life.  Realize you can always change what directly affects you and how you affect others.  Breathe out the negativity on a daily basis.  Don't hold grudges.  Take your time in the mornings.  Be lazy.  Cry when you need to.  Realize your childhood will always have an open door for you.  Realize that you can't spend all your time there.  Remind yourself to breathe.  Love freely and love hard.

Growing up isn't a prison sentence, if anything it's increased freedom to roam and make your own decisions. Yes, it's okay to be sad at the passage of time and what you'll be leaving behind. And yes, it's okay to feel like you can't do it. But it's not okay to refuse to grow up or to shelter yourself in the hopes to stop time. Time never stops. Not for you or for any of us. You're not alone in these feelings and that, as a teenager, is one of the most relieving feelings in the world. 


(PS this post is (partly) inspired by this song)

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